My Trip to the Zoo: Part 2

The aquarium, giraffes and rhinos have been viewed, theories have been voiced and lessons have been learned. Now on to part two of my adventure at the zoo with my dad.African Wild Dogs: My dad was really pumped for these guys. Apparently, they can run for 30+ mph for 3+ miles and this excites him. It doesn’t excite me that much because they are just sleeping in the shade. We watch sleeping dogs longer than I consider normal and we move on.

Walking Up to the Baboons: A little girl is crying nearby and I make the remark that she must be a creationist. Biggest laugh I got out of my dad the entire day.

Baboons: There is a near fellatio moment between two baboons right as we arrive. I, along with everyone else not with their kids found the scene to be quite hilarious. My dad and I notice three kids climbing on a boulder that’s across from the exhibit. Then we look back at the exhibit to see a bunch of baboons doing the exact same thing. We then see a baboon family (mother with baby in tow, slightly larger one I assumed was the father, and two smaller ones that seemed younger) sit around by themselves and interact with each other. This exhibit makes us feel very smug about our beliefs concerning how humans came about.

Lions Part II: They are still lying around, but I get to see a very small kid pull a wagon with his sister in it, and seem very surprised by how much he can pull. EXCITEMENT!

Bamboo Fence That’s Supposed to Block an Area from View but You Can See Through If You Try: One zebra standing around. My dad notes that the zebras aren’t the animals you really want to make people put an effort to see.

Elephants: I like elephants, so I usually hang by this exhibit longer than the others. They have a sign that names all the elephants and gives you clues to help you identify them. It also talks about how the Indianapolis Zoo is the only zoo to successfully artificially inseminate an elephant twice (no mention that it morally could be considered rape). I imagine the artificial insemination process involves a right handed latex glove that comes up to the elbow, a bucket of lube, the largest turkey baster you can find and Henry Mancini playing at half speed.

Cheetahs: Fuck Tony Stewart. That hostility isn’t as random as it seems. As we approached this exhibit we heard that hillbilly’s voice over a very tinny speaker asking the crowd, “You think you can beat a cheetah?” followed by the three beeps that signify a race. Not even 30 seconds later (long enough for some little overweight kid to run a short distance against a light that represents a cheetahs speed) the question is repeated….and repeated…..and repeated. There is also a stupid ass cardboard cut out of him that dim-witted people are taking pictures with. I can’t fathom why people would do this, but if you have a fathead of Peyton Manning on your wall I wouldn’t invite them over. Oddly, my dad and I were the only humans who seemed to be really bothered by the idiocy of this exhibit. Once we looked beyond the bullshit to see the actual cheetahs laying in the grass we felt a sort of vindication. All four of them have their ears back in the feline Some-Unpleasant-Noise-Is-Hitting-My-Eartufts sort of way.

Warthogs/Porcupines: Interestingly there is a line for this exhibit, even though there doesn’t really need to be. Some young white entitled youths say to hell with the line and just walk up to the exhibit (they don’t really cut anyone they just stand a little bit behind) but since my father and I are both cowards we abide by the rules of society and wait for our turn. There are no Pumba references from anyone unfortunately and it makes me feel somewhat old. In fact, most people seem genuinely let down once they see the warthog which is strange considering it was one of the more active animals to that point. The porcupines were asleep.

Plains Pavilion Souvenir Kiosk: Many kids have whittled down their parents enough to buy them a toy here. Elephant, warthog and porcupine stuffed animals garner more interest to the kids than the actual animals. I see what appears to be a mother who has aged horribly or a somewhat young grandmother yell at a kid that he only gets one stuffed animal and it has to be a baby one (aka the smaller/cheaper one). My semen commits hari kari within my scrotum.

Petting Zoo is Closed: Not a problem considering I had very little interest in petting a depressed looking farm animal’s rump.

Jungle Pavilion Souvenir Kiosk: First kiosk that is before the actual attractions. Probably because the jungle exhibit is pretty bad right now. This kiosk is actually selling a very cheap looking batman cape and mask and I throw up a little in my mouth.

Some kind of Vultures: I remember when this exhibit actually had a bald eagle…what a downgrade.

Kodiak Bear: Empty. I think the dearth of bears at the zoo on this day has put a real pox on the attitude of the masses. That’s possibly the greatest sentence I’ve ever written, and I might have it etched on my tombstone.

Bats: Another line, but this one is set up in a way where people can’t cut. I witness a father tell his son who is at the everything-my-father-says-is-fact stage of his development that they are “rats with wings” which I find irresponsible. I don’t know why people are waiting in line to see these guys because everyone seems to hate them except my dad and I. At the end of the exhibit there are signs saying myths about bats and the first one says, ‘Myth: Bats are Rats with Wings’. Part of me hopes that young boy from before read this and now questions everything his father says for the rest of his life.

Gibbons/Sea Otters: The sea otters are nowhere to be seen and there are two very bored looking gibbons. One was actually resting his chin in his hand and lazily scratching his leg. I get my largest bought of depression as I think primates really shouldn’t be put into captivity. I get the feeling this gibbon is really depressed and a bunch of overweight people (seriously like every person at this exhibit has let themselves go) staring at him is doing nothing to improve his mood. He eventually starts swinging around but it is lacking any sort of energy and feels more like the gibbon equivalent of doodling on a piece of paper. As I am experiencing this inner anguish I hear some asshole wearing  a hat with the Southern flag on it yell, “HEY!” so the gibbon will look at him so he can take a picture on his crappy phone. When the gibbon does look at him you can tell he’s pretty proud and must fancy himself having quite a kinship with animals. I hate this man.

Tigers: Exhibit is being remade so no tigers on display today. It’s too bad because I hadn’t seen striped cats lying around yet.

Dolphin Bubble: An area you can walk in as dolphins swim all around you. A cool idea, but unfortunately people can’t be trusted with it. Dolphins are very sensitive to sound and there are multiple signs in the dome that tell you to make very little noise and talk in whispers. Kids don’t think of anything but themselves and are loud by nature so they don’t heed the signs. Parents want to pick and choose their battles and they have a long day ahead or behind them and they don’t really give two shit about a dolphins potential discomfort so they let the kids act like hooligans. I witness a few dolphins using their noses to open and close vents repeatedly in what seems like more intelligent animals trying not to die of boredom within an inescapable situation  After the gibbons exhibit and this my depression reaches an all time low and we head towards the exit.

Sea Lions Part II: What’s this? As we walk by the sea lion exhibit there is a little show starting. A few trainers come out and throw fishes down the sea lion’s gullets at a consistent pace that is only broken up by having the sea lions do things that humans do to the delight of the humans who are doing things that sheep do. The only real amusing part of this is when she is introducing the game “Sea Lion Says” and she asks the crowd of about 30 people, “Have you guys heard of Simon Says?” to which no one responds. In fact, I think the first noise is me starting to laugh as she just goes right on with her show. I desperately wanted to ask her if the deafening silence happens a lot. Never get the chance though.

Exit Through the Gift Shop: I notice they try to get you to do this (although it is possible to leave while avoiding it) and I try to convince my dad he has to see that movie. My attempts to explain the movie are awful and I think I did more to detract him from it.


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