Daydream Believer

Most of the time I spend behind the wheel of my car I am daydreaming, and in my daydreams I am a survivor.

There are numerous scenarios I pit myself against, usually after ingesting some sort of media revolving around an apocalyptic plot. The overall favorite is the inevitable zombie invasion1, but I do branch out into different sub-genres after reading such things as The Stand2, watching Terminator: Salvation3, or listening to idiots spout off about 2012, Judgement Day, or some other ‘the world is coming to an end on this specific day because my deity of choice says so’. Regardless of the situation, I always see myself being some charismatic leader of a medium sized band of most of the people I know. I always survive a long time, and I either stop daydreaming before I die or I end up sacrificing myself to save my whole group of friends or a single child4. Apparently, all the cowardly traits that rule my everyday life wash away when the entire human race is threatened5.

A few years back, while suffering through the abysmal movie 2012, I came to a startling realization that very few characters that were on the track to survival wore glasses6. Considering the percentage of people in America who wear glasses is 64%7 it seems a bit far-fetched that so few people would be wearing them. “But Ryan!” you are no doubt shouting at your screen, “So many wealthy people wear contacts, that the poorly sighted among the walletly elite are probably using them instead.” I doubt that very much for two reasons. One, rich dudes like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are always in glasses. Second, when they eventually in South Africa to start their new life not one person seems even remotely concerned that every Lenscrafters and 1-800-Contacts warehouse has just been obliterated. As they were walking off the boat my thoughts were, ‘Man I would have been in deep shit. I would of had the one pair of contacts I currently had in and they would have been bothering me because when I have them in for more than eight hours they revolt against me. I might have been able to make them last at max 6 months before I would have needed a new pair and then I would be screwed. Considering I didn’t have time to grab my glasses before my limo driver dad (who writes sci-fi novels too) drove/flew my younger siblings and me (along with my mother and her new boyfriend) to our survival my eyesight is basically doomed until a guy wearing glasses who has 1.75 prescription in each eye dies.8 Meanwhile, my mother’s new boyfriend would be lording over me with his still corrected vision and knowing my personality I would eventually break them on a rock in a fit of rage, thus making our blurry visioned asses useless to this new society.’ After realizing I was probably spending more time dissecting the lack of glasses within 2012 than the makers of the film spent writing it, I tried moving on, but couldn’t. In almost every media situation where survival was necessary I could not remember there ever being a truly heroic main character who wore glasses or contacts. Research had to be done, and the future of my daydreams was at stake.

Sawyer from Lost – Only needed reading glasses and the writers only made him need them so he would need Jack’s help. I found it pretty odd that the only people who survived the crash were people with perfect damn vision unless they were reading tiny print.9 It’s also odd that the island can make a paraplegic walk again but can’t cure a guy who needs reading glasses. Not hindered enough.

Eliot Stone from Diary of the Dead – No one wants to be a hipster in a shitty movie that gets electrocuted in a bathtub. No one!

Piggy from Lord of the Flies – Is picked on ruthlessly and eventually murdered by his peers. Not necessarily where I want my daydreams to go.

David from Shaun of the Dead – The guy who loves Shaun’s girlfriend, yet is dating Shaun’s girlfriend’s best friend and is represented as a sniveling ass until seconds before he is torn limb from limb. Not really my M.O.

Harold Lauder from The Stand – He loves a girl who falls for another guy, which makes him bitter and he morphs into a bad guy (although one that you can at least empathize with). Becomes somewhat respected in the community, does everything with a weird chick except actual intercourse and eventually betrays everyone. Feels bad at the end and kills himself. As good of a character arc that is, it’s not how I want to envision myself.

Johnny from Night of the Living Dead – “They’re coming to get you, Barbara!” Let’s ignore the fact that he died within 2 minutes of the zombie apocalypse breaking out and focus more on the fact that he saved his ladies life by sacrificing himself. We are getting closer my friends.

David Levinson from Independence Day – God Bless you Jeff Goldblum, you are the closest thing we’ve got. Sure you don’t have the cool badass attributes that Will Smith’s character has, but who comes up with the plan to destroy the aliens AND goes into the mother ship to upload the virus? That beautifully bespectacled son of a bitch David Levinson that’s who. We have a winner ladies and gentlemen.

There’s probably more, but most of them probably carry the Hollywood glasses stigma of weakness and neuroses that equates to eventual cowardly death. Unfortunately, it’s much easier to think of examples where no one of any importance wears glasses10. This leads me to come to the conclusion that in apocalyptic situations where the majority of the world is going to die, survival of the fittest does kick in and people with bad eyesight can only be considered fittest if we use our incredible intellects to hack alien computer technology. Since I’m not exactly a computer wizard there’s only one thing left to do.

Get Lasik, my daydream hubris will accept nothing less.

———————————————————————

1 You may laugh at the fact that I typed “inevitable” but we’ll see who is laughing when your great-great-grandmother is noshing on your significant other’s arm. Of course I won’t be laughing immediately, as I will be enacting one of my 5 well thought out plans, but once I’ve saved the people who weren’t assholes that laughed at me and developed a small little survival utopia I’ll take a break from tending the vegetable garden that we will start on immediately after getting to our main base of operations and laugh at the image of you weeping over your one armed love who eventually dies of blood loss, comes back to life and takes a bite out of your thigh which in your exhaustion and subsequent shock you find very ironic because they liked to kiss that spot before performing the act of oral pleasure before they were zombified and it’s too bad you are on the short track to death because you have just made a discovery that won’t be made for numerous years about the zombie mind and how they can mindlessly repeat certain actions that remain in their brains before it was completely taken over by the infection. *That amazing sentence of scope and length was brought to you by the zombie of William Faulkner*

2 Awesome

3 Terrible

4 Cut to any therapist of psychologist taking notes about the obvious illusions of grandeur this displays.

5  …and subsequent illusions of un-grandeur.

6 The only other “main” character who wore glasses was John Cusak’s ex-wife’s new boyfriend. Unfortunately, we are expected to not like him because we are meant to side with Cusak who still has feelings for his wife even though the divorce was obviously his fault. As an audience we don’t care though, we have seen so many of his on screen relationships be shit in his acting career and we’ve witnessed him anguish over these relationships in the rain and we naturally take his side. He’s learned his lesson bitch just take him back.

7 According to the Vision Council of America and they seem like they’d know that sort of thing.

8 I aligned myself with the poor people that survive in this movie, because rich people are assholes, which this movie points out as often as possible.

9 And don’t bring up how Ben Linus wears glasses. He was a part of a civilized culture that could get stuff from the mainland. I’m talking the early Lost seasons where it’s just the crash survivors and they have no access to anything that isn’t on the island or in the wreckage.

10 The Walking Dead, The Road, Dawn of the Dead (both of them), Terminator: Salvation, Mad Max, Land of the Dead (Romero is very anti-glasses which is funny considering he wears them himself), War of the Worlds (both of them), The Book of Eli (don’t bring up the twist to me it’s not the same thing) just to name some off the top of my head

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