The Road to Indianapolis: Week 1 in the NFL

As an ambassador of the state of Indiana (I was never officially elected but I think Indiana likes me speaking for it), I thought it would be a good idea to follow this NFL season and document all the goings on in preparation for the biggest even to happen to Indianapolis since the Great Traffic Gridlock of 1973.

This first week saw many thrills, rookie standouts, some blowouts, a kicker that’s high fiving two other guys at the top of the mountain, and one that’s season lasted approximately 2 seconds. It’s enough to make a guy be hardly able to contain his excitement for week 2.

New Orleans – 34 @ Green Bay – 42
It’s nice that the first game of the new season made all the so called “experts” who were saying that offenses would start slow due to the shortened offseason look like a bunch of assholes. Of course they took this game in stride and said the lack of an offseason made the defenses so out of shape that they couldn’t keep up. Damn those pundits and their politician-like abilities to completely change their stance without admitting any level of inaccuracy.

Indianapolis – 7 @ Houston – 34
It’s not Kerry Collins fault that the Colts haven’t drafted that well since 2003, or are unable to play defense when they don’t have a multi-score lead, or can’t defend special teams well. These are all problems that have been there for a long time, but people let them slide because they were winning a lot of games due to:
a) Peyton Manning
b) a string of years of being quite lucky in terms of injuries (NFL-wise)
c) Drafting players in the late rounds (or picking up players that weren’t drafted) that were fast on defense and thus fit the “if we have a decent lead we are good at keeping people in front of us and bending without breaking” mindset or were fast with above average hands and were willing to go after balls that might lead to their head being taken off. Many of these players excelled on the Colts because they weren’t a deep team and got a lot of playing time they wouldn’t have got anywhere else (terrible depth = always losing in preseason and having shitty kick off coverage).
d) Peyton Manning
I doubt the Colts will be the worst team in the league even if Manning doesn’t come back. Let’s see how you play against the Browns at home before you start burning your old Bob Sanders and pink Peyton Manning jerseys.1

Philadelphia – 31 @ St. Louis – 13
As one band wagon grows the other’s gives the folks still lingering them some elbow room. While Mike Vick was running around doing the thing that Mike Vick does (not including the curb-stomping of dogs),2 running for nearly 100 yards and throwing some darts to the speedy DeSean Jackson, St. Louis was busy racking up injuries to some of their best players: Steven Jackson, Danny Amendola, and Sam Bradford. Bradford says he will play through his finger injury next week, but the people who put their savings on St. Louis winning the abysmal NFC West might be feeling some regret right now.

Buffalo – 41 @ Kansas City – 7
Much like the Native Americans of yesteryear used every bit of the buffalo they killed, the Bills used every hole in the Chiefs as an orifice to shove their bovine members into. The only statistic Kansas City’s cares about is that their bright young safety Eric Berry tore his ACL and is out for the season. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 4 touchdowns and can now enjoy seeing his percentage owned statistic in fantasy skyrocketing as people whose quarterbacks underachieved have the typical week 1 freak out. Speaking of which…

Pittsburgh – 7 @ Baltimore – 35
What the hell was that Roethlisberger? I draft you to the jeers of everyone else as they rag on me for drafting a guy that likes his women both overly intoxicated and unwilling, and you go and turn the ball over 5 times. I’m half tempted to start Colt McCoy next week you ass. I love how hyped this game was by all the pregame shows, and how big of a blow out it became. Kudos to Joe Flacco and Ray Rice for getting the Steelers monkey off their backs.

Cincinnati – 27 @ Cleveland – 17
Can someone explain to me why Ohio gets so many sport’s teams: 2 baseball, 2 football, 1 basketball, 1 hockey, and 1 soccer. The only one that’s won a championship in the past decade is the one that no one really cares much about (Columbus Crew). All the fans like the college athletics more, despite the fact that they are completely arrogant (THE Ohio State University) and college is completely inferior to the pro game. Did anyone outside of Ohio care about this game? No. No they didn’t.

Detroit – 27 @ Tampa Bay – 20
The trendy pick to be the upstart team this year goes into Tampa and beats the surprise upstart team from last year. I only saw highlights of this game, but it looks like the Lions shut the run down which seemed to both stymie the Buccaneers offense and my fantasy football team’s ability to win. Congratulations are in order for Matt Stafford for playing a whole game without getting an injury.

Atlanta – 12 @ Chicago – 30
For at least one week Jay Cutler has quieted the haters who talked trash about his desire to ride an exercise bike over finishing the NFC title game last postseason. After the game, Roddy White did the honorable thing and took to twitter to apologize to the fantasy owners who drafted him. Glad to see at least a few athletes understand where their priorities lie.

Tennessee – 14 @ Jacksonville – 16
Somewhere last Sunday David Garrard sat wallowing in his own misery drinking bourbon and eating a pound of peanut M&Ms as Luke McCown played mediocre enough to not lose the game.

Seattle – 17 @ San Francisco – 33
Speaking of playing mediocre enough to not lose a game. The 49ers offense gave a dismal performance, getting out performed by Ted Ginn Jr. in the return game in both yards (268 to 209) and touchdowns (2 to 1). I can only hope that Harbaugh just needs more time to teach the team his new offense, and that he doesn’t trust Alex Smith so much that I can regularly expect to see them running every 5 out of 6 plays and kicking field goals 3 out of every 4 trips into the red zone.

New York Giants – 14 @ Washington – 28
Sexy Rexy Grossman flexed his passer muscle, having his best game since he was in high school (I assume). I really had very little interest in this game. I don’t like the Giants and think they will be poor this year and I don’t like the Redskins because their mascot is Redskins.

Minnesota – 17 @ San Diego – 24
The Chargers special teams is so bad. (How bad is it?) The Chargers special teams is so bad that their kicker would rather suffer an ACL tear and miss a whole season while gimping around his house instead of kicking off for it. *pause for laughs and applause*

Carolina – 21 @ Arizona – 28
Cam Newton in the huddle: “Hey guys, I got this sweet new strat that these dumb Cardinals will never be able to figure out…I’m going to pass to Steve Smith a lot.”

Kevin Kolb in the huddle: “Hey guys, if my owner had any integrity they would have never picked up Michael Vick and I would still be on the Eagles. A superior team with a way more threatening mascot. Instead I’m stuck with you piss poor group of jerks.”

Kevin Kolb to Larry Fitzgerald: “I don’t mean you bro. We are tight, correct?” *extends arm nerdily for a fist bump*

Dallas – 24 @ New York Jets – 27
In regards to Tony Romo, I’ve never seen a guy smile so much after screwing up. In regards to this game. I feel bad for the laundry guy for Dallas who has to wash the pee stained spandex before the next game.

New England – 38 @ Miami – 24
Miami played the song Dynamite by Taio Cruz seconds after Wes Welker caught a 99 yard touchdown against them. Why would you play some upbeat pop song after your defense was made to look awful? Does music always have to be played in every dead moment of every sports game? As a society are our attention spans so low that we constantly need some form of stimulus being thrown in our face or ears at all times?

Oakland – 23 @ Denver – 20
TIM TEBOW!!!!!!!! My chaste panties are wet for thee!
Now that we have that out of the way let’s talk about people that actually play. Darren McFadden has the coolest nickname (Run DMC) in sports since Ed “Too Tall” Jones. This is one of the reasons I targeted him in two of my fantasy drafts. I feel there is a direct correlation between having a cool (nick)name and actual skill. Everyone doubted Frank Gore in the draft when the 49ers picked him 3rd. I immediately started calling him Franklin Delano Goresevelt and he ended up being one of the best backs in the league when healthy. Coincidence? I think not.

Also of note: Sebastian Janikowski tied the record for field goal distance by kicking one 63 yards. Tying a record is all well and good, but he’s absolutely dominated the record for total weight of an NFL kicker for years and that’s something that should really be celebrated.

Ryan Stuckey’s mommy wouldn’t let him play football as a child. His vast knowledge of the game has come from the movie Little Giants and playing various years of Madden video games.

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1. Maybe I should have waited until the end before I took a shit on the Colts and ostracized the vast majority of the people who might actually read this thing. No one ever said I was smart (except my mom and dad)

2. Just so it’s out there, I have no problem with Mike Vick being allowed to play in the NFL. As much of an animal lover I am he paid his debt to society. It didn’t seem like he got a lenient sentence just because he was a famous athlete. He also seems like he learned his lesson and I can’t not let a guy do a job that has no interaction with animals. That being said, I’d personally not want him on my team and I reserve my right to make fun of him on a weekly basis…because he’s a twat.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Aside: Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis has the best nickname in sports. Just saying…

    Reply

  2. Awesome. Can’t wait to see more of these this season!

    And yeah, Run DMC is the best.

    Reply

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