The Road to Indianapolis: 10 thoughts on Week 2 in the NFL

Dreary weather has plagued the city of Indianapolis, but one can’t help but feel the heated excitement emanating from the loins of the local business owners. As the national economy continues to take quicker and quicker laps around the toilet bowl, Indianapolis deludes itself with the mentality that the Super Bowl will make it seem like a tourist attraction, bringing in loads of people who want to see things like minor league baseball and the NCAA headquarters. Local residents seem much less thrilled. Their dreams of having their beloved Colts bring home a second Vince Lombardi trophy have seemingly already been dashed. Even worse the hated Patriots, with their superior Front Office and ability to build a complete team and plan for the future, look like one of the favorites to make a run. If Brady jerseys line the streets of Indianapolis come February, the closest thing to a riot Indianapolis has ever seen might take place (or Indianapolis will display it’s legendary apathy).

1. During the opening night game last week between New Orleans and Green Bay I commented to my friends that kickoffs were now useless and that they should just put the ball on the 20. Little did I know that every single guy would try to run every single ball out of the end zone and either make it to the 11 yard line or take it for a touchdown. I guess it’s ended up being more exciting than I thought it would.

“Man I wish I was actually good so I didn’t have to play special teams.”

2. The Falcons figured out how to stop Michael Vick. All you have to do is sling him head first into one of his offensive lineman. In comes Franz Mike Kafka, and the offense resembles a stagnant pool of water. Adjust your defensive schemes accordingly coordinators.

“ASPCA better pay out on this bounty.”

3. I wonder if there will be a new prop bet in Vegas next week concerning which Chief will hurt their knee next. The easy play is on Matt Cassell, but you have to think that Thomas Jones’ knee is due to have some problem if he plays. He has a lot of miles on those tires.

“If I could have finished the game I bet we would have only lost 41-10.”

4. Start the countdown to Blaine Gabbert now Jaguars fans. If Luke McCown has many more games like this one (6/19 for 59 yards, 4 interceptions, and a sack for a safety equating to a mighty 1.8 quarterback rating) then he will be starting sooner than later.

“I remember the good ole days when I wore a headset and David Garrard was the one getting destroyed.”

5. Indianapolis fans are really impatient about losing. While every team that is 0-2 seems to be adopting the Suck4Luck campaign, none have been puffing their chests out as much as Colts fans the past few years about how great their team is. With as many Cubs, Purdue, Notre Dame, and IU fans that are also riding the Colts fan train you’d think they’d have developed thick skins and superior abilities in talking themselves into believing in a terrible team that will not succeed

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE AREN’T WINNING 13 GAMES THIS SEASON!?”

6. A guy who wouldn’t even be on the team unless he won a reality TV competition caught a long bomb in overtime to set up the game winning field goal for the Cowboys against the 49ers. I’ve never seen anyone celebrate a catch that wasn’t a touchdown more annoyingly or for a longer period of time. I imagine he is sitting at home right now with his hands still up in the air and his eyes cast to the heavens, thus saying to God, “Thank you for making me so great.” The reason I had to see that crap is because instead of playing to win, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh played not to lose and the 49ers secondary is absolute garbage. So they lost. Hopefully that’s a lessened learned.
Here is what I assume Donte Whitner’s inner monologue was on that fateful play: “Hey I bet that receiver streaking down the field is just pass blocking so I’ll let him get behind me…oh shit it’s play action, good thing football defenses have safeties to help on long passes…oh shit I’m the safety. Good thing this isn’t being televised or I’d look like an asshole to fans all over the country….shit.”

“As long as I tackle this guy on the 1 yard line I will have earned my multimillion dollar contract.”

7. Buffalo and Detroit are both 2-0 and none of the wins were flukes. Everyone better make peace with any loved ones they have bad blood with because 2012 is happening.

This is what the future holds when a quarterback out of Harvard is shredding teams apart in the NFL

8. “Thou shalt run routes with precise precision” (11th Commandment that was cut from the original 10 due to grammatical redundancies) Tim Tebow got some reps as a slot receiver because the Broncos have approximately 20 injuries to their wide-outs thus giving Denver fans the opportunity to chant his name for not just errors by Kyle Orton, but Brandon Lloyd as well. They’ll do it too, they don’t care as much about skills or abilities compared to heart, intensity, and rabid evangelicalism. Maybe he can write an extended edition of his already published memoir. That’s right, a 24 year old wrote a damn memoir. I’m sure it’s full of amazing stories about having to clean his room and mow the lawn when he would rather go catch some frogs out of the creek with his buddies.

He may be 3rd on the QB depth chart, but he is 1st on the depth charts of American hearts.

9. Tampa Bay has decided it’s strategy for the season is going to be to not play for the entire first half. Then they will do everything they can to come back from the huge hole they put themselves in. So far it’s worked half the time….Hello 8 and 8 season!

“We down by 17 yet? Yes? OK we can start trying now.”

10. For some strange reason, Seattle thought they were playing on Monday night and the Steelers actually beat a bunch of fans wearing Seahawks jerseys who came to the game. Something tells me Pete Carroll is trying to tank the season so he can get Andrew Luck and turn him against Jim Harbaugh.

This kid ended the game with 4 tackles and 1 pass deflection.

Tune in next week as I will return with a completely different way of breaking down all the NFL action. It’s sure to give you lots of laughs some laughs something to do on your break at work.

Ryan Stuckey’s mommy wouldn’t let him play football as a child. His vast knowledge of the game has come from the movie Little Giants and playing various years of Madden video games.

None of these pictures are mine. I found them online with my savvy Googling abilities.

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