The Road to Indianapolis: Ignorance is Bliss for Week 5

I didn’t get to watch much football this week due to a family engagement, a basketball game, and the fact that I had to get my face glued after I smashed my head on the floor in an awkward flail for an offensive rebound that started with me tripping on some guys leg. I didn’t get the rebound, we lost the game, and I’ll have a scar by my left eyebrow until I die. I only got to see the first half of the Colts/Chiefs game, the second half of the 49ers/Buccaneers game, the Monday Night game, and at least one highlight to every other game. Since I’m an ignorant twit this week, I’ll just type one small blurb per team that played this week that may or may not have anything to do with anything.

Arizona Cardinals – It’s pretty bad when your only highlight is Adrian Peterson trucking random people in your secondary.

Atlanta Falcons – Why do all the team’s with bird mascots suck? Because birds are stupid. *Yes I know the Ravens are good*

Buffalo Bills – Is this team for real? I honestly thought it was just a nice little run and they would end up like 7-9 or something. Now it seems like they are destined for a playoff spot with a quarterback from Harvard, a wide receiver who blamed God when he dropped a long over the head pass last year that would have won a game (which is a baller move in my opinion), and a linebacker who had a relationship with Tila Tequila (proof of the 15-minutes of fame rule) that allegedly ended in domestic abuse. How can they not win the Super Bowl?

“I miss MySpace”

Carolina Panthers – Like Jesus to the lepers, Cam Newton has cured Steve Smith of all the horrible maladies that plagued him.

Chicago Bears – Jay Cutler’s face had the, “I’m so sick of this shit” look on it for the entire game on Monday Night. When his lineman weren’t jumping offsides they were acting like turnstiles and letting the Detroit defensive lineman run by them over and over again. At least Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden were figuratively fellating him with their compliments about how incredibly tough and noble and grand he is.

Cincinnati Bengals – I bet Cincinnati fans are really excited that their quarterback’s hair matches the Bengal’s jerseys. No other team can say that.

Denver Broncos – When I heard they put Tim Tebow in I shook my head and said, “Jesus Christ.” Tebow then magically appeared next to me and said, “Yup! Isn’t he swell?!” and made me give him a high-five.

Detroit Lions – Congratulations on being 5-0. Enjoy it while you can because the Niners are coming for you.

Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers runs that offense like a 13 year old nerd plays Madden against the computer on the easiest skill level. He puts the ball wherever he wants, scores as many touchdowns as he wants, and does so while only paying the smallest amount of attention and putting forth minimum effort.

Houston Texans – I looked at the stats and wondered how they lost this game. They had 10 more first downs, 9 more minutes of possession, 200 more yards of offense, and held Oakland to 3/15 on 3rd down. The only explanation is that they let them win (and let Darrius Heyward-Bay score a touchdown) in memory of Al Davis.

Indianapolis Colts – Jim Irsay is throwing the season in the attempt that they can get Andrew Luck and hopefully have another franchise quarterback to come in once Peyton retires and cover up the fact that he puts together incredibly incomplete teams.

“I’m keeping Caldwell as coach because he’s so great, not because he gives us our best chance to lose.”

Jacksonville Jaguars – Does anyone outside of Jacksonville care much about this team? Maybe some Missouri football fans who want to see Gabbert do well. It’s a shame they are always bad because I like their jerseys (Yes I realize that makes no sense).

Kansas City Chiefs – They are playing purely for pride now. The pride of not finishing with a worse record than a team with Tim Tebow as a starting quarterback.

Minnesota Vikings – I bet Barry Sanders can’t watch Vikings games without having Nam-like flashbacks to his playing days.

New England Patriots – How every game they play doesn’t end up with both teams having more than 40 points is beyond me. They can score on anybody through the air and can’t stop anybody through the air.

New Orleans Saints – They are the second or third best team in the league, and nobody in the media seems to be really noticing or caring.

“Drew Brees throwing form is unmatched

New York Giants – No officials were there to save you from the might of the NFC West this week.

New York Jets – “I know we are playing a team with a terrible pass rush and terrible defensive backs and who let teams score on them consistently through the air, but I think we will do some ground and pound.” – Rex Ryan

Oakland Raiders – Didn’t everyone make fun of Al Davis’ managing abilities for the last 10 years? I can’t wait until I die and people say how much of a literary genius I was.

“I regret nothing. Not even Jamarcus Russell.”

Philadelphia Eagles – hahahahahahahahahaha

Pittsburgh Steelers – I have a friend on Facebook who calls them the Titsburgh Feelers…that’s funnier than anything I can come up with.

San Diego Chargers – Somewhat scary because they really haven’t played worth a damn and are 4-1. If they manage to turn it on at the end of the season like they always seem to do they could easily be 13-3, and be the 1 or 2 seed in the AFC.

San Francisco 49ers – The last time the 49ers were this good I was a 16 year old kid who rebelled against his parents by listening to alternative music and cursing with my friends. Looking back, I was a pretty big pussy.

“You’re welcome Ryan.”

Seattle Seahawks – Could Charlie Whitehurst make this team a contender in the NFC West? Does any casual fan outside of Seattle know who Charlie Whitehurst is?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I would like to thank you for giving my beloved Niners another quality win. People are no longer giving me a “that’s so adorable” look when I mention my favorite team. Now it’s a healthy mixture of respect, fear, and anger while I tussle the hair of all the Colt’s fans who still love their beloved horseshoes.

Tennessee Titans – This team could win the AFC South. If Kenny Britt weren’t out for the season I would have typed this team will win the NFC South.

Ryan Stuckey’s mommy wouldn’t let him play football as a child. His vast knowledge of the game has come from the movie Little Giants and playing various years of Madden video games.

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