The Road to Indianapolis: Week 6: Peer Mediation Between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz

As a fan of the 49ers I had a heavy interest in their game with the Lions this Sunday. It was an emotional and intense game. Detroit’s stadium was rocking, players were chippy, both coaches were screaming at officials, and the game’s outcome came down to the final minutes. Unfortunately instead of talking about the outcome, people are more interested in the incident that occurred between the two coaches afterward.

It was understandable that Jim Harbaugh would be excited after such a gritty win, and it’s understandable that Jim Schwartz would be mad at Harbaugh’s apparent in-your-face enthusiasm. I decided to use my inside access to interview anyone in the NFL (as given to me by the commissioner for my amazing coverage of the league this year) to bring these two coaches together and attempt to mediate their little feud.

Ryan Stuckey: Coach Harbaugh. Coach Schwartz. Thank you both for joining me.

Jim Harbaugh: No Problem.

Jim Schwartz: *nods

RS: Let’s just get right to it shall we? On the surface you two seem to have a lot in common. You’re both fiery, you’ve both led your teams to 5-1 starts after disappointing seasons the year before, and you’re both named Jim. How are you guys feeling today, a day after your post-game run in, now that initial tempers have cooled a bit?

JS: Well, as I was saying in my press conference after the game-

JH: It’s all on me Ryan. I went in there like the enthusiastic coach for the incredibly successful team I am and I just shook his hand too hard. My adrenaline was pumping after such a great win in Detroit’s house it’s no wonder I almost crushed his hand in my extremely masculine vice-like grip.

JS: You shoved me out of the way and exclaimed a profanity.

JH: Again…it’s all on me. I meant to give you a slap on the back like men do and I guess it could be considered a shove to some people. Things were said but I don’t remember what they were because I was so fired up.

RS: To be fair Coach Schwartz, you aren’t exactly shy about excessive celebration and dropping profanities after games.

JS: I’m not hear to discuss-

JH: Can you blame him? Football is an intense game. I’m sure when Jimbo came back to beat those winless Vikings in overtime his excitement was so high that he couldn’t help but scream profanities at the official after his girly air punch.

JS: This is unbelievable.

RS: What is?

JS: He has interrupted me twice, been sarcastic the entire interview, and dominated the conversation.

RS: And?

JS: And I just think there should be some interview protocol followed. I didn’t expect to come in here and be tag-teamed by some bully of a head coach and an interviewer that would let him get away with murder.

JH: Is this guy serious?

JS: *stands up* Did you just call me gay you mother fucking asshole?

JH: No I said guy.

JS: *gets in Harbaugh’s face* I know what I heard you fucking cock.

*Anthony Davis walks into the room and gets between the two coaches while laughing*

AD: This shit talker is crazy.

RS: Well I’m glad you’re hear to keep the piece Mr. Davis. It also gives me a great chance to ask you about your twitter feud with the Lions’ Chris Avril that happened right after the ga-

AD: Yeah he was just mad that I dominated him.

RS: You couldn’t wait until I finished that last word? You false start on questions too?

*Davis glowers at Ryan, pulls out his phone and starts typing furiously*

RS: Anyway. Coach Harbaugh this isn’t the first coach you’ve had a run in with after a game. While coaching at Stanford you had an incident with then USC coach Pete Carroll. He now coaches the Seahawks and I have him in the other room. Coach Carroll?

*Pete Carroll walks into the room and straight up to Jim Harbaugh. He extends his hand for a shake.*

PC: What’s your deal!?

*Harbaugh shakes his hand*

JH: What’s your deal?

*Pete Carroll leaves*

RS: *To Carroll’s back as he leaves* Seriously that’s it?

JS: I’d like to know the answer to that question.

*Ryan’s phone makes a noise and he checks it*

RS:*reading* “I’m am going to pancake the shit out of @SirStuckey after this interview is over.” Real mature Anthony.

JH: I love that intensity!

RS: Offensive lineman taunts are weird.

JS: PAY ATTENTION TO ME ASSHOLES!

AD: Calm down little man.

JS: EAT MY ASS!

AD: That’s it.

*Anthony Davis shoves Jim Schwartz in the chest who lands flat on his back*

JH: PANCAKE BABY I LOVE IT!

*Harbaugh rips his shirt up and does a jumping chest bump with Anthony Davis.*

*Ryan goes to help Schwartz up.*

JS: What the hell was that?

RS: A pancake apparently.

JS: No I mean that mother fucking shit you just tried to pull on me.

RS:…what?

JS: When I accepted your hand to help me up I was expecting to to follow the protocol of helping people up.

RS: Are you insane?

JS: You yanked me up with such intensity that my shoulder was almost pulled out of socket. *starts running around in circles* Dez Bryant drinks pee, and I give this game ball of this interview to the fans of Detroit who know the mother fucking rules which is more than I can say for the officials and Jim Harbaugh who is a coward for deferring the kick because he doesn’t want to play offense against our team that will shut down their conservative run based attack with ease…shove…shit…profanities…ass…rules…mother fucker…protocol. *passes out*

RS: Jesus Christ.

JH: You want to know a secret? I did say a profanity to him after the game. I called him a tally whacker.

RS: I actually don’t think that’s a profan-

*Anthony Davis pancakes Ryan. Harbaugh and Davis celebrate, give each other a huge bear hug and run out of the room*

RS: This was such a bad idea.

*Ryan phone makes another noise and he checks it again.*

AD via Twitter: “I told that bitch @SirStuckey I would pancake his ass. He talked shit and I didn’t say nothing, just took care of business in his house.”

RS: Well he’ll probably just delete them in two hours.

*Schwartz groans as he starts to come to*

RS: You OK there Jim?

JS: *starts crying* I want my binkie!

RS:…

Ryan got his degree in Interviewology and Advanced Peer Mediationics from Dartmouth College in two years. It only took him half the time because he didn’t get invited to many parties and had nothing better to do than study.

I already regret all the stupid references I made that I know few to no one will get.

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