The Road to Indianapolis: Pros and Cons for the AFC South

Due to the overwhelming majority of my readership being Colt’s fans (roughly 7 out of the 9 people), I decided to do the AFC South this week to make them actually interested in reading it. I’m sure they are on the edge of their seats wondering what hilarious jest I have pointed towards their lowly boys in blue. I also talk about the Titans and two other teams nobody really cares about. Let’s just be honest, the Texans will never climb out of the Cowboys shadow, and Florida doesn’t give a damn about the Jaguars. Nobody would care about the Titans, but Tennessee doesn’t really have anything else going for it.

I guess what I’m really trying to express is that Florida, Tennessee, and Texas are terrible places. One looks like the outline of a sedimentary rock, one tries to kill every single person who breaks the law within her borders and is the entrance point to the single biggest threat to this great nation (killer bees), and one wishes it could be a gigantic golf course so rich white assholes have something to do when they aren’t too busy oppressing women and minorities.

Houston Texans

Peyton Manning is hurt – Hooray for the playoffs!
Arian Foster – I had my doubts he’d be as good without Vonta Leach lead blocking for him, but when he’s been able to play he’s been running over everyone
Defense is Good – it will be slightly overrated because their schedule has been weak, but they still are number 1 in yards allowed and get to play Jacksonville and Indianapolis again.
They will get to play the “no one believes in us” card all season – because no one is talking about them or will talk about them unless they somehow get the number 1 seed.

Plethora of injuries – Foster, Andre Johnson, Mario Williams (aka their three best players) have all missed significant chunks of time due to injuries
Gary Kubiak is still their coach – has he ever been good? No. OK.
I don’t have much else to say – I actually think they are pretty good, and I haven’t seen enough of their games to get specific on their flaws

Tennessee Titans

Hasselbeck is still pretty good – Aging QBs are a crap shoot (see: Donovan McNabb, Carson Palmer)
Javon Ringer and Jarrod Cook – 2 small diamonds in an offense that has been very rough

Chris Johnson – he’s currently earning about $5 worth of that huge contract he held out for
Kenny Britt injury – Any firepower this offense seemed to have at the beginning of the season was instantly vanquished the second he went down
No Experience for Jake Locker – They aren’t going to win this division or a wild card spot, but long as they stay in the hunt they will keep playing Hasselbeck and not see what Locker brings to the table (Don’t give me any “rookies can sit a few years” talk. Cam Newton, Andy Dalton, and in his limited time Christian Ponder have shown what rookie QBs are capable of).

Jacksonville Jaguars

Defense – the only reason they’ve even been in as many games as they have
Maurice Jones Drew – really doing well considering how their pass offense is essentially nonexistent and teams can just stack 45 defenders in the box

They have 0 receivers – Hyperbole aside, all their receivers are 3rd options at best on any other team. It’s possibly the worst situation for a rookie QB in the history of the NFL
You beat the Ravens – While it might seem like a nice win for your team, in reality it’s completely useless. It didn’t raise the confidence of your nonexistent offense; which didn’t do shit. It didn’t give you a chance to make the playoffs; you have none. It didn’t make people in your area care anymore about football. It didn’t win me fantasy football that week. What the hell was the point? You could be going into the game against the Colts with 1 win and put yourself in prime position for a race to the number 1 draft pick. You blew it.

Indianapolis Colts:

Your punter is an excellent tackler – and has helped the Colt’s fans show their irony. Every time he punts I get to hear how awesome he is and how he has “like 10 tackles” (It’s actually 4). People also talk nonstop about either getting his jersey or saying they are going to get his jersey without actually doing it. They also make loads of hackneyed joke about him being a superior swimmer.
Andrew Luck is yours to lose (by winning) – Despite Jim Irsay’s posturing on Twitter it’s quite obvious this season is now being chocked up as a lost cause for Mr. Luck. Unfortunately he can’t tackle, defend the pass, block, or return kicks.
It’s a lot more comfortable on the bandwagon – so much elbow room and plenty of cup holders for all
Your coach can’t be bothered about coaching because he has to think about breathing or he might forget – No way he is inspiring any gritty useless wins for this team down the stretch. Enjoy Jim Tressell and his smart looking vests for the next 6 years.

Secondary is laughable – I think they just do a raffle and let 5 random fans play secondary every week
Decision if you want to trade or keep Luck – I don’t think Manning should play again (neck injury isn’t something to chance) but he might. As good as Luck is the Colts need way more help than him. As I see it, if they decide to keep him they should trade some of their older vets for draft picks and start the rebuilding process immediately, or trade him for numerous picks (could be a Ricky Williams scenario where a team gives up it’s whole draft) plus a player or two. As I see it there are 5 teams who would maybe make a splash for him:

1. Miami – Seems the most likely and the best fit. They would actually have a pretty decent offense already around him. Assuming they end up with the second (or third behind St. Louis) pick the Colts could still get either the second best QB of the draft or the top OT Kalil.
2. Redskins – You can’t tell me Beck or Grossman is their future
3. Browns – There division looks like it’s going to be the best in the league for the forseeable future and they could feel the most pressure to get him.
4. Seahawks – They’ll more than likely end up with a high enough pick that the Colts could still get one of the top 5 QBs on the board.
5. 49ers – I really don’t think this is one very likely, but Alex Smith is still on his 1 year contract and there has been no talk of him getting an extension. You also can’t discount the Harbaugh factor (let us pray). There would almost have to be a player involved if the 49ers did it because I don’t see the Colts trading that far down just for extra picks.

Most Colts fans seem to want Luck, simply because they see their team as the most QB dependent team in the history of the NFL (for obvious reasons). As an outsider it’s easier for me to weigh the pros and cons and see that the team would be better overall if they traded for multiple picks/players to fill their numerous holes. Hindsight is 20/20. If the Colts draft him and he doesn’t get it done in Indy the fans will be mad that they didn’t trade him. If they do trade him and are unable to find a good QB then the fans will be pissed they didn’t keep him. Either way, this is all premature conjecture as they could just as easily beat the Jaguars in an exciting 6-3 game in week 10, and resume the battle of wills between the Dolphins and Rams.

Ryan Stuckey has been writing about the NFL for 8 whole weeks and is considered by many an expert on the subject. He can tell you the names of all the team’s and what conferences/divisions they are in. He can even name 5 players on each team.

For the stupid: George W. Bush is a Texan, Atlas was a Titan from Greek Mythology, that car is a Jaguar (according to Google), and that gun is a Colt from the wild west era (allegedly). It’s also worth noting I don’t hate Tennessee.

For the smart: Nice job understanding all the pictures

For the wary: I won’t be vulgar when I choose a picture for the Browns.


One response to this post.

  1. I wasn’t going to comment, but I realized I could plug my business. Check out our site. By the way, decent article. Focus more on the comedy and less on substance. You can get substance anywhere.


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