The Road to Indianapolis: Pros and Cons for the AFC East

I had someone recently tell me I should not do the rest of the leagues pros and cons because I had done the the ones that mattered: NFC West (because my favorite team is in it), AFC South (because the vast majority of people I know like the Colts), and NFC North (because it was the best division until I said how tough Jay Cutler was and he got injured). I tried to explain to my friend that I very rarely come up with original ideas so I need these 4 weeks of pros and cons to fill gaps…even if no one cares about them. He seemed to have more faith in my abilities to spin things that are all over every other NFL blog in a semi-humorous way, and for his confidence I thank him.

This is not me trying to fish for compliments, comments, retweets, or likes regarding this or future posts. You should be doing that because I am so amazingly entertaining not because I told you how amazingly entertaining I am.

New England Patriots

You have an attractive quarterback
– women only act like they dislike him because he often beats their favorite team (or whichever team it’s popular to like in their region). Before you ladies get mad at my generalization realize I’m no better. I claim to dislike Megan Fox because of how bad (listless) of an actress she is, but I’m fully aware of how attractive she is.
If you’ve cheated anytime in the last 4 years, you haven’t been caught
– either you’ve learned your lesson and decided to win fairly or you’re better at it. Either way you’ve improved yourself.
You get the chance to destroy a depleted and dejected Colts team in Foxboro next Sunday –
I’m sure Belichick is chomping at the bit to drop 60 on their rival, even if they are Manningless and thus meaningless.

You are dangerously close to not being the only 16-0 team ever
– Unless the Packers pack it in (ha!) in the last few games I don’t see much chance for them to lose. The Giants appear to be circling the bowl, Kansas City and Chicago are running with two underwhelming quarterbacks (sorry for jinxing Cutler in my last one Bears fans. Total dick move by me), and Detroit seems to be sputtering. That leaves Oakland who has to beat them at Green Bay. Hello 16-0. You can at least take solace in the fact that Detroit will probably be trying to injure Rodgers during the last game (because they’re so classy and all), and if they succeed the Packers won’t be winning the Super Bowl this year.
Chad Ochocinco
– I like him. Let me rephrase that. I used to like his end zone celebrations back in the old days when he seemed capable of getting separation, running decent routes, and actually getting in the end zone. Those days seem to be dead.
Worst Secondary Ever
– Your best tackler back there is a wide receiver.

New York Jets

You can ride a relatively easy remaining schedule into a playoff spot
– it might just be a wildcard spot, but getting there is something.
People still deem you as an upper-echelon team
worthy of TV time– I’m not really sure why that is (probably because of your loudmouth coach). You haven’t beaten anyone that good (except Cowboys in week 1). Your amazing defense (according to your coach) hasn’t done a whole lot to stop a lot of teams and have given up 30+ points 4 times this season. Your offense hasn’t been anything to write home about either. Mark Sanchez is neither good or bad he just “is,” LaDanian Tomlinson is aging, Plaxico has looked OK in the red zone, and Santonio Holmes still is very proud of every first down he gets. Do you even have a tight end? I should know this, but I don’t.

Sione Pouha is stupid –
He ridiculously said Stevie Johnson’s celebration against them was insensitive to New York because of 9/11. Even though it was obvious he was making fun of the team’s nickname and Santonio Holmes (who celebrates every time he successfully evacuates his bowels). You’re just trying to stir up a pseudo-controversy where there doesn’t need to be one.
You lost to Tebow on a game ending drive
– You share this shame with other teams, but you are considered the best team they beat (McGahee and Eddie Royal combined with Carson Palmer playing in his first game is how they beat Oakland). Therefore I have to STILL hear all this ridiculous talk about him even though it’s got a lot to do with the defense playing very well (which I do realize has a lot to do with the offense Denver runs because they have a player incapable of throwing at QB. They get more rest then when Orton was throwing interceptions).

Buffalo Bills

You have the most entertaining character in the NFL –
I don’t care if they makes Bob Costas want to roll up into a ball and weep I love Stevie Johnson’s celebrations. The ones he pulled out against the Jets last week were hilarious. He’s a clean player who doesn’t get in trouble off the field and plays hard. Why is the league trying to vilify him when he’s just having a bit of fun?
You have the smartest quarterback in the league
– even if he’s shown the past two seasons that his season’s might consist of starting out hot and then ending the season abysmally. He’s still smarter than Vince Young, who has started a few games and scored roughly a -5 on the Wonderlic test.
You still have the chance to beat New England twice –
the season would still be a disappointment considering your hot start, but it’s still something nice for the fans to hang onto.

You still have the hand marks around your neck from your choke – I guess you’re technically not out of the playoff race yet, but it’s all but assured. You we 5-2 with your playoff destiny in your hands just 4 weeks ago and now you are 5-6. You lost two games to the Jets (had to at least split the series), and got absolutely crushed by the Cowboys (no real shame in that) and the Dolphins (mountains of shame in that). You should win 3 of your last 5 games at least and go 8-8, but that won’t get you in the playoffs.
You give up a lot of points – you shut out Washington and you held Kansas City to 7 points, but every other game you’ve given up at least 23 points…That’s bad.

Miami Dolphins

Reggie Bush is ALIVE!!!!!
– for the first time since he was getting paid in houses and Limo rides at USC he has looked like a player worth having on a team.
You are better than your record
– You have 4 losses by 3 points or less (including the inexplicable loss to Tim Tebow’s only two good drives at the end of the game).
You didn’t quit
– You were 0-7, had suffered two straight close losses, and were going to Kansas City who was also terrible and you decided to try to win some games. It would have been pretty easy to give up on the season. The coaches calling conservative plays while players just went for individual stats for contract incentives (see: Colt’s 2011-2012 season). Instead you went in there and smashed them. You followed that up by handling both Washington and Buffalo and losing a close one to Dallas. You may not get Andrew Luck or Matt Barkley in the draft, but you deserve them for playing as hard as you did (and maybe you can get Robert Griffin III who I think is a stud).

You blew a golden opportunity to have the greatest rivalry name ever
– Had you named your team the Miami Sharks (because the smallest percentage of NFL fans are 12 year old girls and sharks are actually menacing and cooler than a smiling dolphin) you could have the West Side Story rivalry vs. The New York Jets, which would have been awesome.
Matt Moore –
this is more a con for the player. I imagine the Dolphins draft a QB for their starter next year, even though Moore has led this team to some solid wins. Had they started him since Day 1 I bet they win a few of those close ones. Wile I’m sure he could sign as a backup at a lot of teams after his performance this season, I guarantee he wants to start and I don’t know where he will be able to.

Ryan Stuckey was so excited to have the NBA back that he forgot to do an article on the NFL last week. He would like to apologize to his 10s of fans.

That dolphin picture made me laugh harder than anything I wrote. I wish I was a Photoshop whiz like whoever made it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: