Therapy Through the Written Word

Don’t feel too bad Kyle, Indiana’s weather sucks this time of year.

One of the two sport’s teams I give a shit about lost about an hour ago. I watched it in a bar where every other person was either apathetic to the whole thing or were cheering for the other team. The latter were naturally very happy. They cheered and gave each other high fives as they ordered victory shots to pour down their throats between yelps of passionate exuberance. I sat dejectedly sat in my seat, getting glanced at by an apathetic couple like I was in an exhibit. I don’t freak out much when my teams lose so they did not get to witness the show I could tell the guy was aching to see (I think the girl felt sorry for me). My phone was vibrating in my pocket like a. I assume they were texts from people saying things like, “tough luck” or trying to sympathize with me about a poor officiating decision or a player screwing up twice and costing the team the game. I still don’t know what they said because I haven’t looked and I really don’t want to. I found it annoying that people were texting me like they care about whether this team I like for no real definable reason wins a game when just last week they were all rooting against them. Let’s have a little consistency shall we? If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t care if their team lost and if I’m being honest if I felt any emotion at all I’d probably rather their team lose. If my team can’t bring me empty happiness why should my friends be so lucky? I really hope this is one of those moments where everyone secretly feels the same way or I will seem like a cynical asshole.

Spoiler Alert: It goes in.

Because football is a dumb sport, the game was essentially over after a critical error had been made in overtime. Sure the winning kick technically had to sail through the uprights, but there was no way in my mind (and in real life) that it wasn’t going to happen. I got the distinct pleasure of having my anguish stretched to the limit because the opposition decided they needed to get closer and ran 3 or 4 or 5 or who gives a shit more plays. Then before the kicker attempts the easiest kick in his life, my team’s coaching staff has to try to “ice him” which never works and only succeeds in giving me more time to listen to other people prematurely celebrate. Here are all the things I thought about while this stupid team I like decided take their sweet time in losing:

  1. Even if my team wins I will be celebrating by myself because no one else likes the 49ers. That seems really stupid.
  2. Football is stupid.
  3. I feel bad for the guy who screwed up twice and hope he doesn’t get cut.
  4. What a great guy I am for feeling genuine empathy for a guy that cost my team the game.
  5. I bet any person who has a team I’ve ever made a joke about is pretty happy about this. I have no problem with them feeling that way.
  6. What’s the score of that Pacers game that’s on the TV over in the corner?
  7. Oh they are playing an above average team so obviously they are losing.
  8. Sports are stupid.
  9. Time to think of some funny things to put on twitter after my team loses:
    – “The Giants fans in the bar I am at are really excited right now.”
    – “I guess everybody can hate Alex Smith again.”
    – “Is anyone else watching this Australian Open match right now. IT’S NUTS!”
    – “Bear Bryant is a liar. Defense DOES NOT win championships.”
    – “I’m sure glad this distraction is over so I can go back to thinking about how I am single, hate my job, dislike my surroundings, and have zero prospects to rectify any of them.”
  10. That last one wasn’t very funny.
  11. I’m sure glad all the people that have said my team isn’t good in the media and otherwise can feel vindicated.


After what feels like one hour the kick is made. I pay my tab. I leave a nice tip even though the waiter was lackluster because I’m such a great person. As I leave the bartender who knows me wants to give me a shot to make me feel better, but I don’t see how sucking down alcohol rapidly and then having an upset stomach because I have the constitution of a 47 year old would make me feel better so I decline. While walking home I pick up an empty Bud Light can to recycle later because I’m such a great person. Against my better judgement I check Facebook when I get home and find out that a lot of the people on my feed are apparently Giants fans this week and a great warmth fills my belly. Who wouldn’t be happy for these people who are excited because they decided to like a team who has the brother of their actual favorite team’s best player? Who cares if the coach for the team they were rooting against ACTUALLY PLAYED FOR the favorite team of all these morons? A coach that very nearly led your beloved team to a Super Bowl. Just a heads up, you should probably learn a little history on the team you decide to like when it became trendy. If you don’t you’ll say and do stupid things to unknowingly annoy pretentious knobs like me who make ourselves feel superior by referring to ourselves as “true fans” while we make fun of you to other pretentious knobs. I don’t leave any snide replies to these people because I’m such a great person.

It’s cool, I wanted to play in the Pro Bowl anyway.

I surf around some more. I get to see Colts fans say mean things about Tom Brady and 49ers fans say mean things about Kyle Williams. I don’t go far enough to see Ravens fans saying mean things about Billy Cundiff. I try to read a bit from my book (John Irving because I’m such a smart and well rounded person) but my brain isn’t retaining anything. I decide to write a very self-serving blog post (although most of them are anyways) that I feel is written in a jarring way. I hope it’s more funny than I think it is. It’s generally a rule that the stuff I think isn’t very funny people enjoy way more than the stuff I think is.

Can’t tell if this guy is upset or if the 49ers offense put him to sleep

All in all, I really wish I didn’t care about sports. It’s ridiculous to put any emotional weight into something you have zero control over. It’s also ridiculous that I’m essentially rooting for clothes. It’s not like I have any civic pride for either of the two teams I like. One resides in a city I’ve never been to, and the other is in the city I live in but want to leave. I often wonder why people care as much as they do when they get fired up about sports, and I can personally acknowledge how dumb it is while feel bad that my team lost. It’s just another opiate for the masses to consume. Why think about improving my station in life or get upset with worldly injustices when I can drink beer and watch athletic people do athletic things like throw a ball and run into each other? As much as I condemn I’ll assuredly be back. Complaining about whoever my team drafts on twitter despite the fact that no one who follows me actually cares. So while sports maybe a drug I can’t quite kick yet I can take solace in one thing:

At least I’ve quit video games.

FYI: The Pacers ended up winning the game. Mmmmm, delicious opiates.

I did feel better after writing this, and I woke up the next morning feeling the same I usually do every other Monday.

All pictures from Yahoo Sports because they are cool.


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