‘There are downsides to being this handsome’: Why people hate me for being attractive

On April 3rd one of the great columnists of our time, Samantha Brick, informed the world just how hard it was to be a pretty women. With one brave piece she opened the eyes of the homely masses, showing them just how hard it was to be an attractive with less appealing females constantly making her life a living hell. The hell only a beautiful women who gets compliments and free stuff from men can understand. You can read her article here, but let me tell you it’s infinitely more unbearable to be a handsome man than a pretty woman…this is my story.

I recently went to a new restaurant that you guys probably haven’t heard of yet called Don Pablos. Minutes after I sat down the waitress brought me a heaping bowl of chips and salsa.

‘En la casa’ she said off-handedly as she walked off.

Before you question the audacity this restaurant has in bringing food to my table that I didn’t order, you should realize that ‘en la casa’ means something like, ‘This is compliments of the chef – he really hopes this offering will help you enjoy your meal.’ As crazy as it sounds scenarios like this happen to me ALL THE TIME.

My entire adult life, I’ve had numerous people bend over backwards to help me. Countless college professors would help me after lecture hours, stewardesses are more than willing to just GIVE me a free drink and salty snack whenever I fly, and I constantly get e-mails sent exclusively to me with offers for free trials from companies I’ve never even patronized.

Just last week I went to Kroger and the man who rang up my items used his personal Plus Card to ensure I received a discount. I average a combined total of 5 likes and retweets on social media sites from people I rarely speak to even though I fill them with jokes that aren’t even funny (obviously some of them were funny, but I experimented by putting some terrible jokes on there and people ate it up).

Whenever I ask people why they are so kind to me I never get a straight answer. They often feign a confused look, while asking ‘What are you talking about?’ Well they can drop the facade because I’ve known for quite some time why I get so much positive attention. I am incredibly handsome and my physical radiance has brightened their otherwise meaningless lives.

Hard work: Ryan longs for the day when his work will be appreciated for it’s importance instead of being popular just because he is undeniably gorgeous.

While I’m no Ryan Gosling, I’m tall, fit, blond, and have gorgeous baby blue eyes that would make Frank Sinatra want to gouge his own eyes out Oedipus style. Don’t think I don’t know how lucky I am. But make no mistake, there are downsides to being incredibly handsome.

I assume most people reading this have already come up with an opinion of me, and it’s probably quite negative. It’s easy to discount all the facts I have already listed as merely circumstantial moments that I have woven together and used to narcissistically fuel my vast (by your incorrect assumption) ego. As often as I am treated wonderfully by strangers who are in my presence, I’m just as often treated very cruelly – most often by people I interact with relatively often and the internet prowlers who never get to experience me in flesh.

Sports guy: A multi-sport superstar athlete in High School, Ryan learned quickly how cruel kids could be often hearing heckles like, “Take that jersey off and let me see your chesthairs!” He still tries to get out and play whenever he can.

Despite being completely respectful of my friend’s relationships, they often give me less and less of their time as they become more serious. It’s like the men don’t want me to be around their wives and the women don’t want my animal magnetism to tempt them. I can see no other reason for my so called friends who are married and having kids to not want to go out drinking on a Wednesday night or to take a spontaneous trip to Vegas.

Most damning of all is the fact that I constantly get asked to be a groomsmen at the weddings for these people who will eventually turn their back on me.

‘Isn’t that a nice thing Ryan?’ Hardly. As good as I look in a suit and as photogenic I am, I find it suspect that I always escort the groom’s sister down the aisle. It’s obvious I’m just there as arm candy to make the pictures pop even more.

I am supposed to be in my sister’s wedding at the end of April. I’m convinced I was only asked because when the photographer takes 3 times more pictures of me than anyone else it will make more sense if I’m a part of it and not just some random guest. I get being used by jealous friends, but family? I just thought we were raised better than that.

You’d think people wouldn’t be so heartless as to make me a living accessory just because I was cursed with God given good looks.

Lady killer: Despite his best efforts at being an everyman, Ryan can’t help having such a high sexual appeal that women find both irresistible and maddening.

Make no mistake, I put no effort into how good I look – I drink, I eat sweets, and I work out only sporadically. If I refuse to shave for a few days, the facial hair that grows makes me look more rugged than lazy. I don’t even put “product” in my hair, I just put some water in it and comb it to the side and it naturally looks amazing. I would understand if people treated me poorly because I tried too hard, but what do they want me to do when it’s natural? I can’t very well shave my head (I’d get sunburns on my scalp). I can’t eat only ice cream and drink only Bud Light Platinums (I would get sick). I can’t help it that I was cursed to be so damn handsome and I shouldn’t be treated so savagely because of it.

I really know how the Elephant Man felt.

Take last night, while at a trivia night I attempted to start a conversation with my friend who was running it. I said “Hello Thomas. How’s tricks?” and he just ignored me and kept reading the third round of questions. Why would I be ignored by a man with whom I’ve played poker, watched IU basketball games (His favorite team. He’s nowhere to be seen during IUPUI games), and shared secrets?

A week ago I would have said that no one is closer to you than your trivia teammates, but when I asked them if they knew why Thomas was being so cold to me their only reply was, “Shut the fuck up, I can’t hear the questions.” That these men that I go to war with every Wednesday night would respond so callously to my innocent question can only lead one to assume that they have entered the same nebula of jealousy that plagues all who hang out with me long enough.

Emotional eater: Ryan’s preferred method of dealing with the daily horrors of being incredibly handsome is to eat horrible things. On his poor eating habits: “Saturated Fat is my Dr. Phil.”  Not Pictured: Jelly Beans

When you are as handsome as me dating is quite difficult. Starting in my early 20s all dates have eventually led to the girl leaning in close and whispering, “I want you to take me home and ravish me.” That’s great at the time, but as you begin to approach your 30s (you’d never realize it to look at me) you realize there needs to be much more. The completely one sided conversations start to get old and you begin to wish you were a little less attractive so girls wouldn’t spend the whole night biting their lower lip suggestively or staring at your well-defined chest. Call me crazy but maybe I don’t want to be seen as a piece of meat anymore. Maybe I don’t want to have a bevy of sterile one night stands. Maybe I’d like to hear about your dumb cat or your dead-end job. I would just love to meet one woman in her 20s who doesn’t think completely with her vagina. Is that too much to ask?

I won’t find that woman at my job, as the walk from the door to my desk feels like a catwalk that I don’t want to be walking. Knowing the power that my looks have on women I always try to begin new jobs by keeping my nose to the grindstone so I will be appreciated as a good worker as opposed to an object. Lately though I’ve repeatedly been called into the office of my female boss to “review my performance” and “discuss my frequent tardies.” It’s not too hard to read between the lines on that one. Despite the fact that I dress in a modest, albeit butt-hugging, set of khakis and a regular button up shirt that’s shrunken just a bit to show off my incredible arm muscles I still don’t get the respect I deserve as a regular employee. It’s getting to the point where it appears I might need to switch jobs again as the women around me cannot control themselves.

Samantha Birk said she looked forward to being 41 and beginning to gradually losing her looks with age. As nice as that is for her, that is a luxury that I simply don’t have. Since I was cursed to not be balding, I will only get more handsome until well into my 60’s. Young girls will go from seeing me as a sexy to handsome to distinguished and I will not get the respect I deserve until I devolve into old man peanut form where, besides weight difference, they all look the same.

Maybe then men will no longer be jealous of something I have no control over and women will start respecting me for my other wonderful qualities, like my incredible wit and dazzling personality.

All photos taken by Michael Zielinski of ‘Zielinski and Future Son’s Photo Phinish’

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17 responses to this post.

  1. I feel like there should be an international foundation of some kind to benefit guys like you Ryan. It breaks my heart to know that there are people out there suffering in silence, and I applaud you for using your voice to speak out not just for yourself, but on behalf of all who endure this affliction. I would praise your courage, but I fear you may jadedly discount the compliment as one more unwanted laurel thrown at your handsome feet.

    Reply

  2. You are handsome…Emma was right.

    Reply

    • And you sir are a gentleman and stellar street hockey player.

      Don’t think I didn’t watch your game winner on youtube.

      Reply

  3. Posted by Bill Bosco on June 10, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Is this a joke?

    Reply

  4. Posted by yaya on August 27, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    i think u r better off a model if that is the case x_x

    Reply

  5. Posted by Skimming through all this, I laughed because I knew it was a joke when I saw the dude eating chips on the couch. Funny stuff on November 4, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Skimming through all this, I laughed because I knew it was a joke when I saw the dude eating chips on the couch. Funny stuff

    Reply

  6. Posted by Pay on February 5, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    Ok, this is interesting. You are mocking a woman who claims to be very pretty, and who may or may not have been exaggerating for the sake of humor. She is not a horrible looking person, but not good looking by soap opera standards. Also, she may or may not be trying to fish for compliments. Now, you are actually handsome, but make funny faces and act as though you are only pretending to think you are handsome. Still, your pictures don’t hide your looks. This makes me wonder if you are truly trying to be funny or whether a part of you wants to hear compliments. This is all quite confusing.

    Reply

    • I was truly trying to be funny and the only compliments I was fishing for is for people to tell me I am funny.

      Reply

    • Posted by Martha on April 20, 2017 at 10:52 am

      Actually he is mocking that woman who wrote an article, i actually sympathise with her because i too have gone through what she went through and its a really living hell to deal with angry jealous women who are there to bring you down in anyway. I get bullied on the street and verbally abused almost everyday by women and it a living hell. So the lady was not joking when she wrote that article

      Reply

  7. Posted by Badran on November 2, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Im a good looking guy who is 15 but i can strongly relate.

    Girls always assume im a player or a jerk and it wants to make me cry. Infact i never had a girlfriend

    Girls just talk to me because im handsome but once i realize ill automatically ignore me because i know i will never get anywhere with them

    The worst of all is that i have a mirror in my room and i had to cover it with a black blanket because i was distracted from my studies for 2 hours with those looks

    I only have one female friend that actually likes me because we both like anime :3 and that is enough

    I would appreciate if you would reply

    Reply

  8. Posted by Badran on November 2, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Oops i meant ignore them not me

    Reply

  9. Posted by tara on April 2, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    this is not even close to gorgeous

    Reply

  10. Posted by Jorge on August 24, 2015 at 2:02 am

    I relate to your story Ryan, not glad you have this trouble, but it is good to know I’m not the only one, only online I have found this kind of stories, I have no friends, men reject me because I put their self esteem down, involuntarily, since girls stare at me and not at them, just telling you a bit of my daily life.

    Reply

  11. Posted by Lisa on March 31, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    Our American society is very mediocre and favors average people more often than attractive ones compared to European society, for example, since a lot of Americans are obese. On top of that, women get slut-shamed, physically, and sexually abused for staring at men, hitting on them, and cat-calling them, especially down below because it’s considered whorish for women to stare and that it makes men feel less manly.

    Reply

  12. Posted by Martha on April 20, 2017 at 10:47 am

    Jokes to the side, u r Actually really a good looking guy lol

    Reply

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