Harry Potter was a international sensation. Not only was it famous for making kids go crazy for weird stuff like books, but it also attempted to employ every actor from the United Kingdom in some form. They were so wide-reaching in their attempts to get everyone who spoke English is a more refined way to be in their movies that you can’t help but wonder why some actors didn’t make the cut. While contemplating this question in the therapeutic confines of my shower I came up with a list of actors who should have been in the movies, and what they might have done.
Note for the xenophobes: The United Kingdom consists of Britain, Wales, Northern Ireland, and Scotland.
10. Hugh Grant
Hogwarts could have used a dance instructor.
Where’s the sex appeal for the ladies in Harry Potter? Sure we get Robert Pattinson as Cedric Diggory in Goblet of Fire and Kenneth Branagh as Professor Lockhart in Chamber of Secrets, but what about the other films. I’m sure some weird girls are into gingers and think Rupert Grint is the sexiest man alive. It’s also a proven fact that chicks dig scars so they are all attracted to the character of Harry Potter. What we really needed is someone to get the mom’s excited without feeling like creepy cougars. Who better than Hugh? He’s a good actor and men don’t hate him for being incredibly handsome. In fact, we find him charming and don’t really think about how every woman in the world wants to be with him (that’s accurate, I’ve done the research). All they had to do was to make up another class wizards might need that he could teach. Something like Wizard Literature, Muggle Studies, or basic math. Then he could have been in every single movie and charmed the knickers right off of all of us.
9. Colin Firth
Could have won this for being a bitching wizard instead of a stuttering muggle.
There wasn’t nearly enough politicking by the Death Eaters in the Harry Potter universe. You can only do so much with brute force. Besides Lucious Malfoy roaming the halls of the Ministry of Magic it seemed Voldemort got by for so long because the Minister and everyone else with power was just lazy and dumb. It was probably supposed to be a statement on how politicians today will dismiss seemingly obvious warning signs of bad times ahead, instead coming up with sweet puns against the people who are trying to warn them (Harry Plotter). It just felt way too easy and unrealistic to me. It bothered me in the movie more than the book, so why not change it a little? Why not include a side plot involving a high official who is coercing the minister and others via potions, spells, and a silver tongue? What actor holds that regal gravitas and talent to convince the world that he is on their side while stabbing them in the back? Colin Firth…duh.
8. Simon Pegg
Is that the snitch?
Call me crazy, but maybe including the British actor with the most nerd-credibility could be a great thing. How does he fit in you ask? Gee I don’t know. How could you squeeze a red haired actor into this film? Have you ever heard of the Weasleys? Two parents make a huge family and yet have zero brothers and sisters themselves? Enter, Uncle Simon Weasley. He doesn’t have to be in all the movies, but he could make small appearances in 2 or 3 of them. Where did the Weasley twins pick up their mischievous ways? Uncle Simon. Who gave up his life savings to be the lone financial backer to the twins shop because he has no kids or wife of his own? Uncle Simon. No wife…does he have a roommate? Cameo by Nick Frost. Who can bring some humor to a few of the movies that often lack it? Uncle Simon. Why wasn’t this character put into the movie? No idea.
7. Jason Statham
Because way too many people in the wizarding world are complete pussies.
Sure his action persona doesn’t seem to fit, especially when he throws fists just as often as he shoots bullets. But if you recall there is a scene where the Order of the Phoenix transports Harry to his muggle home to their hideout and have a few people take a polyjuice potion so the Death Eaters don’t know which is the real Harry. Well what’s to stop Mad-Eye Moody from saying, “Listen Harry, we know we are going to be attacked and we don’t want to take any risks. We hired a guy from the outside who is the best at what he does…Transporting.” In walks Jason Statham, broom slung over his shoulder like he doesn’t give a shit. What follows is a 20 minute broom chase scene; complete with Statham jumping on another Death Eaters broom, grabbing the bastards arm to aim the wand that’s queuing up the ‘Avada Kedavra Curse’ at his other Death Eater buddy, then pummeling the guy in the back of the head until he knocks him off the broom. Statham is too bad ass to use a wand himself, so of course he uses his fists. The little kids in the theater might initially be confused why all the guys in their 20s are giving each other high fives and jumping chest bumps for a character not in the book. Just give them a few years and they’ll eventually understand what coolness is all about.
6. Andrew Garfield
Potential person for Ron Weasley to be jealous of.
The Hufflepuffs were useless. It’s really no secret. They idolized poor Cedric Diggory because he was the only person worth a damn in that whole house. Would it really have been so hard to give them one more person. Throw Andrew Garfield, a young British actor who is a little older than the rest of the young guns but can easily pass for a senior in high school. Let him be the James Dean rebel of the school. He rides a broom with a spell on it that makes it roar like an engine, he wears a leather jacket and aviator sunglasses, he rolls a pack of cigarettes in his sleeve, and his hair is so quaffed that the young witches can barely pay attention in class (when he decides to go). Teamed with Robert Pattinson, Hufflepuff suddenly has a new reputation as the house of the handsome Brits (Hugh Grant could be their new Housemaster). All the male students are jealous of them, and all the female students love them. It’s a perfect idea.
5. Ewan McGregor
4. Liam Neeson
Letting them be in Harry Potter would let them Scottish out with their accents. I don’t even want to be able to understand them half the time.
Picture this: Before the 5th movie the creators think, “These movies are going to kill in the box office no matter what. Why don’t we branch out and make a side-movie with one of the lesser characters. All we have to do is bring J.K. in to help with the script and give it credibility to the super-nerds.”
Well which character do we use?
How about Seamus Finnigan?
Sounds great. What’s the story going to be?
Seamus is talking to his dad, Liam Neeson, on the fireplace transmitter or whatever that thing is that wizards use instead of phones. Suddenly, Death Eaters bust into the Gryffindor room. Neeson informs Seamus that he is going to be taken but to get under the coach and yell as much information as he can before they gag him. Once taken the head Death Eater, still masked, talks to Neeson through the fire. Apparently, Neeson is a half-wizard who works with muggles to track down wizards who commit crimes against us normal people. Needless to say, he is a many of certain skills. Unimpressed, the Death Eater takes Seamus anyway, and Neeson has to travel to Hogwarts to begin his vendetta of killing untold amounts of Death Eaters and ultimately saving his son. The best moment happens when someone calls him a “mudblood” and he turns the guy into a frog before catching him, cooking him, and eating his legs.
Who is the Death Eater?
That’s the best part. Ewan McGregor plays the Death Eater and he wants him because, get this, he was also his father. Turns out, Ewan and Liam were a couple and adopted Seamus. They broke up when Liam found out he was into the dark arts, and the courts obviously gave him custody. This lets J.K. stick it to the asshole conservatives that freaked out when she said that Dumbledore was always supposed to be homosexual, and gives us the actual action movie we’ve so desperately wanted from this franchise since they won’t let us hire Jason Statham for the broom chase sequence.
Doesn’t Seamus mention his mother in the 5th movie?
Shut the hell up. You’re fired.
3. Tilda Swinton
We need a strong female villain who hasn’t been typecast as an oddball.
Besides Helena Bonham-Carter acting weird and the Momma Malfoy acting submissive, were there any other female Death Eaters? We need a woman who can play a heartless, coldblooded, bad ass. Someone who really seems to drink the Voldemort kool-aid. Maybe she is also secretly in love with Snape and was always jealous of how he liked Harry’s mother instead of her. Thus she jumped at the chance to be with Voldemort when he went and killed the parents. Perhaps she is a distant relative to the Weasley clan (red hair) and there can be a showdown with Ginny or something. Maybe she rides a dragon around a lot. There really needed to be more dragons in these movies. Why wasn’t I asked to be in the brainstorming sessions?
Turns out…She wasn’t a fan of the franchise.
2. Daniel Day Lewis
How could this guy not be in a movie for children?
First off, my dad would have definitely saw whichever films he was in because he is partially in love with him (he said he wants to give him the Oscar for Lincoln now, even though he hasn’t seen or heard anything about it. I would personally rather the guy from Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter win).
Second it would be hilarious to hear about what a weirdo he was while trying to embody the character. I can see the articles now:
“Daniel Day-Lewis has been walking around England, yelling ‘Expelliarmus!’ and knocking people’s cellphones out of their hands.”
“Day-Lewis has been spotted in local pubs shouting, “I drink your butter beer! *slurping sound* I drink it up!” When told those don’t exist, he swore he would find the truth even if he had to use the Cruciatus Curse on every single pub owner in Britian.”
“Refusing to interact with anyone not a full wizard, or as he calls them ‘mudbloods’, Daniel Day-Lewis and David Blaine have become fast friends. Here are some pictures of them soaking up rays in Bermuda…”
1. Michael Caine
Michael Caine having a cigarette on the set of Fred Ott’s Sneeze, the first copyrighted movie ever made. Caine played Fred Ott, and even though no one saw it at the time he was quoted to say, “Working with Edison was a delight. I owe my whole career to him.”
Since beginning his acting career in 1950, Michael Caine has been in every single movie ever to come out. This includes animated short films with no voice overs. If you look hard enough (and want it bad enough) you can find him. Why the creators of Harry Potter decided they were too cool to include him I’ll never know. He is such a great actor he literally could have played any role, but I really think he would have nailed is as Ginny. They would of had to dye his hair red, but the only person who can play the part better than a young teenage girl would be the most prolific actor of our age, Sir Michael “Fuck Harry Potter” Caine.
I only assume that’s his actual nickname. If it’s not it should be.
Andy Serkis – You’re telling me there wasn’t one weird creature he could motion capture?
Patrick Stewart – He could have taken Harry under his wing and called him his number 1.
Ricky Gervais – Because Harry Potter really needed a guy who had no shame and was aloof to what people around him thought. He could have been teaching a sex-ed class in Hogwarts dressed as a woman. Then Hermoine and Ron could look at each other with bemused faces, followed by Ron looking at the camera to shrug.
Sean Connery – Presumably could be inserted in the McGregor/Neeson storyline as Neeson’s father who helps get his grandson back. Along the way he could finally come to terms with the fact that his son is gay. Potential for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade levels of humor in that script.
David Bowie – Because there weren’t enough codpieces nor characters that would break out into songs that were way too bizarre for a children’s movie.